Unpacking from the Iditarod
- jaypetervary
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
I got home from my Iditarod adventure and started to do the literal side of unpacking by putting my gear away and making notes on said gear, as well as my bike set-up. In short, those things have never been more dialed! As I shared my journey to get to the start line of the ITI, which was literally one of the longest journeys I’ve been on at 2.5 years when I got hit by a vehicle, the post-event is the time to reflect, arguably the most important part, where lessons can be learned, and growth happens.
Let me see if I can unpack some of those things.
I had an intention - to race (yes, I go to events to race to my maximum ability, not tour or just see if I can complete) on the Iditarod Trail 1000 miles to Nome. I worked hard for several months to get to the start line and was very prepared - physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. I did not fully execute my intention by achieving the "finish line," and even though I am a little bummed on the ending circumstance, I feel like I won. I am happy with the journey I had and proud of the decision-making I did along the way, including the hardest one I have ever made in sport.
To set the stage a bit, this was my 13th time on the trail since 2007. I have 4 full completions to Nome with all other times finishing in McGrath. I have several victories in both distances. The last time I did the event was with a 15 year old during the Covid edition. I traveled with my wife multiple times as well. The last time I went to Nome was in 2018.
In 2023 I was hit by a car and sustained severe injuries. I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to do expedition style races again. The last 2.5 years related to it is a story in itself. This year's ITI was my first expedition race since that crash coming from a time where I used to race several big events a year for many years. Expedition racing is a big passion of mine and was a lifestyle I used to live relentlessly.
In the 4+ days it took me to get McGrath (the finish line for many but the start for the Nome athletes) I realized and learned a lot. Mind you it was a very proper adventure traveling the 320ish miles to get to McGrath this year with -40+ temperatures, high winds, and plenty of demanding rideable trail and then of course a lot of pushing too.
I learned I can still do hard things. I learned I still want to do hard things. I learned I am incredibly comfortable in extremely challenging weather conditions. I learned I still get nervous and even scared which keeps me humble and safe. I learned I may not be as ‘fast’ as I once was at my young age of 53 but I remain strong physically and mentally at a level that I am very satisfied with. I learned I just really love being out there on the trail! I learned I am very happy with my current ability. I learned I am 100% OK with not being at the pointy pointy end as I used to be all so often. I learned being just a touch back from the leaders was something that really made me smile. All of that was just so joyful to learn and a really big relief as I was so curious about these things.
What I learned when I left McGrath is still working through me but one of the biggest things I learned is that I am capable of walking away short of a “finish line.” JayP is human. As a friend said to me "welcome to the species.” That may sound weird but I never learned how to quit. I also never had much compassion for myself and my patience while the clock was ticking was close to zero. I come from a background of adventure racing and the one golden rule that we followed at a high standard was – never stop moving forward.
As I look back I have made, and done, some questionable things through the years following that rule while racing. Even though they all have turned out to be “successful” as I have not injured myself, needed to be bailed out, or… yep, died. I never even had frost nip in a winter event which I am extremely proud of! I will not deny some of those questionable things were even stupid that could have ended badly but I’ll also say they were calculated risks based on experience in a highly motivated and driven individual. Although jumping on a moving train and climbing through two rail cars with a loaded bike in one hand cause I couldn't wait for it to pass is a fine example of stupid.
Waiting out storms, taking a “zero” day or having downtime while racing without making forward progress was never a consideration. And not to be the “old used to be guy” but that mindset was more prevalent throughout all racers “back in the day.”
It’s actually refreshing to know I can make what I ultimately see as a reasonable and responsible decision. That decision is even more powerful given my history of not understanding the word or concept of “quitting.” Knowing I can is actually a relief. I also know my reputation for pushing through the hardest of circumstances was seen as a strength in me. It was my character and showed through in my personality, and the things I would say.
Call it what you want, but two words are floating around in my mind that I don't use or have done and am analyzing - “quitting” and “stopping.”
I don't have excuses for why I decided to stop short of my intention. I hate excuses. I can make some but they all have solutions.
I am a racer who has always done his own thing. I am not influenced by others, I am always gathering information, I am resourceful, I question others information, I know its never going to be what you “think” its going to be, I take weather forecasts with a grain of salt, I believe in trail magic, I am optimistic, I talk positively, and I must find things out for myself. I also apply my past experiences to decision making but don't let it affect me if it was a not so good one but try to see it as a possible reality and not be ignorant if that makes sense. Those are all things I did, followed, and had the mindset of when I left McGrath towards Nome.
When I arrived in McGrath I was immediately doing and applying these things. When I left McGrath there were two other Nome athletes that decided not to go on and I was the first going down the trail of unknown by myself.
Fast forward 23 miles up the trail. There was no trail. With the knowledge I had I thought I was going to get suckered in another 34ish miles beyond that due to a trapper that was out there “last week.” That would have lured me into a point of commitment. This section is a remote 190 miles of the deeper you go the deeper you are. Nobody, others, have any reason to be out there. Well, that trapper trail was already filled in calf-ish deep and I knew after where he had stopped that it would turn into true post-holing due to the heavier snowfall that part of the trail received in the previous weeks.
Anyway, it took me roughly 8 hours of which seemed like endless contemplating and exhausting all the information I could to make my final decision. I went back and forth twice up a three mile climb to where the trail ended cause I was having a hard time believing it. I sat there too in my thoughts.
I had weighed a lot of things out while I was out there but there were two things that I kept coming back to -
First, I simply did not want to do what I was presented with by myself which was push my bike 170 miles which eventually would have turned into post holing, not just pushing.
Second, for the very first time in my entire life of journeying I actually thought about my safety.
I have never carried an inreach or similar safety device in my life and all I had was a flip phone. What if I really did need help? What the heck triggered that thought? Is it because of the crash I was in 2.5 years ago? Is it because I gained a little bit more wisdom? Is it because I realized I am not invincible? Is it because I finally became a responsible adult? Is it because I was thinking of Tracey and my friends that want to see me come home?
It all just seemed unreasonable even though I've done it before albeit not quite as bad. And then it also seemed irresponsible.
So, I stopped and retreated back to McGrath. Could I have waited 7-10 days for trailbreakers? Sure, it too also seemed unreasonable. Again, I like to race. I like to keep forward momentum. Tracey and I waited for 3 nights in a remote cabin once before for trail breakers because we had no choice but sitting idle in the village of McGrath with everyday comforts for a week plus isn't my idea of racing the ITI or something I wanted to do. I know that too sounds like an excuse.
As I watch the athletes' dots that are out there now I feel my assessment was pretty spot on. It doesn't justify my decision but it does confirm my assessment. I commend each and every athlete that is out there. I do not criticize anyone for how they choose to journey, I only applaud, as these events are personal and life changing no matter your style.
Back to the words "quitting" and "stopping".
While I been bouncing these around like a ping pong game trying to come up with my own words I finally asked the machine and here is what it says - While both involve ceasing, "quitting" is often seen as emotional or giving up, whereas "stopping" can be a calculated, strategic decision to end a destructive pattern.
I did not quit my journey and have accomplished one of the biggest things in my career by stopping.
Alas, I’m a different person, racer, than I once was. I have grown and continue to learn. Lastly, this is kind of weird but if I was never hit by that vehicle I am not sure I would have learned any of this as I do feel wiser and I try to practice compassion and patience to myself and others as I lacked before.